smtraveler

There was a huge outpouring of grief over the tragedy and you can read an excellent memorial here. It's nice to know (but not surprising) that so many people's lives were touched by the Tobiases before last Tuesday.

For people outside Southern California, here's a link to KCAL's news report on the tragedy with some beautiful comments from friends and neighbors about the Tobiases - the report is "Friends Grieve Couple Killed In Mar Vista Plane Crash" and lasts about 90 seconds.

My post at LA Blogs also solicited a few remarks from other folks affected by this tragedy including an account from someone who attended the small memorial service on Sunday. A touching poem was read and the poster was kind enough to share it.

Living next to the Santa Monica airport has my wife and I thinking about small plane crashes frequently. Legend has it that a single-engine fell into one of our neighbor's yards before we moved in. It supposedly sounded like a car crash and, when folks went to help, the pilot unstrapped himself from his harness and hopped out without a scratch. It's funny how trivial something can be before you see the worst possible side of it.

I was surprised when we heard about the crash on Tuesday night and subsequent explosion. I heard a huge BOOM, but was more worried about calming my dog down than investigating the cause. Anyone who's heard a car backfire knows that living next to a busy street quickly numbs you to loud noises unless the walls shake.

The fire engines were audible by now in the distance and my wife got home right before our phone rang. A friend had called after seeing the crash on TV to make sure we were okay. We were but were now conscious of what was going on. The news showed a burning house and I was relieved to hear no one in the house had been hurt. That the pilot and passenger were more than likely dead didn't even cross my mind.

The next morning, I called Dr. Tobias' machine to beg off our appointment that day. I promised to see him the following week at our scheduled time and hung up. It's eery knowing that someone will hear me speaking as though the Tobias' were still with us more than 12 hours after the tragedy. In the back of my mind, I had been wanting to confirm that it wasn't Dr. Tobias in the plane, but the news and papers didn't release any names.

Until Thursday morning. I'll never forget looking at the LA Times website and reading the names. I re-read them over and over, waiting for it to make some kind of sense. I stumbled through calling my wife home from work and phoned a therapist I know for advice on grief. He told me to expect the grief to come in waves...it's always reassuring to find modern science right about something.

KCAL is the place to go for local TV coverage, I've learned. They just have an enormous amount of news time to fill each day, so I figured they would cover the identification on Thursday even if no one else did.

It was bittersweet to Tivo the broadcast and watch it over a couple of times. They had video of the two laughing and fishing in addition to some footage of them loading into a plane. It was really hard to watch and realize I wouldn't be shaking hands with Dr. Tobias again. The picture they used behind the anchor was one I'd seen many times. The surreal experience of losing someone you're close to is new to me and I find myself wishing the grief would work it's way out of my system. Friends that call caution me to be ready for a little bit of that sadness forever.

Now I'm waiting to find out how to pay my respects. The Tobias' don't have any family, so I've put in a call to their attorney, who's voice has replaced Paulie's on the home machine. I spoke with a colleague of Dr. Tobias' who offered his services, saying the two had an agreement to handle a situation like this. But I'm going to need some time to come to terms with what happened Tuesday night, so close to my home.

A witness in one of the first articles said they saw Dr. Tobias banging his head against the window right before impact. That image haunted me until I realized that he and Paulie were surely holding hands right before what I hope was a painless end. I choose to believe that they went into the afterlife together.

I had the good fortune to meet Dr. Paul Tobias a little over six months ago. After making a profound difference in my life, he was tragically killed in a plane crash this last Tuesday night. His wife Paulie was with him and sadly perished as well.

Although Dr. Tobias was 71 and Paulie was 60, they still enjoyed life at a level I rarely see even in my contemporaries. Dr. Tobias avidly collected antique cameras and reveled in describing a new acquisition to me, curious about where he would put it in his already over-crowded display case. Not only did he collect cameras, but he knew how to use them. His office was decorated with stunning photos from around the world, each signed P. Tobias.

He also loved fishing and actually met my family at a club in southern Colorado called La Garita a few years ago. My brother was the head angler at the time and guided Dr. Tobias on a couple of trips. Later, he told me that Dr, Tobias had fascinating stories about his profession and was a magnetic storyteller. I found this to be true as well. Unlike many doctors I've met, Dr. Tobias was not afraid to empathize with his patients and offer experiences from his own life to help patients really understand their troubles.

But his ability to listen and deftly advise solutions to the volumes of troubles I threw at him is why he will be canonized in mind forever. While other doctors seemed to further tangle knots in my mind, Dr. Tobias always made them slip away with a few words of laser-accurate observations. I never challenged him with something that he wasn't able to help me out of. In fact, he aggressively tackled subjects I had long written off as character flaws and helped me see the simplicity in their resolution.

Paul Tobias was a man who loved what he did and lived the ultimate dream: making an intellectual passion into a lifelong career. I was amazed to learn that he had started his career in institutional psychology working for companies like IBM and helping solve problems that affected hundreds of employees. Amazed because he was the most skilled personal therapist I've ever come across. But he was a shining example of a person who embraced a subject and folded that love into decades of experience, creating a true master at his craft.

We were once talking about our fears and Dr. Tobias told me his biggest was to lose control of his mind and be unable to explore the questions in life as he had for so many years. I can't help but remember this when thinking about his death. Returning from a ski trip with Paulie, engaged in another passion, flying, and I find myself thinking that this was not an entirely disagreeable end for Dr. Tobias. He loved being a pilot and I cannot imagine he or Paulie without the other.

But the man I would turn to for solace is sadly the one I mourn. I was lucky to have had my time with him and have found myself in an exponentially better place because of his help. I was closer to death than life when we met and he helped me see life for the gift it is.

I've been lucky enough to make it to 28 without grieving, so this is how I'm dealing with the loss. I'm not sure if there will even be a memorial service or if I would even go, but I'm searching for a way to get through this and writing seemed like a good first step.